Excuses

Do you know what I hate? I hate stupid excuses. But its much deeper than that. There aren't any stupid excuses, there are just the stupid people that make up stupid excuses. There's
The School Excuse: This excuse is most often exercised by the everyday suck-up. "Danny, have you done your homework today?" The structure of the School Excuse is supposed to be sly, but efficient. "Oh, I had chess club until 5 o'clock, then i had soccer. Right when I got home I had dinner, and by then it was 9 o'clock." The teacher will always reply, "So then you didn't do your homewo-" The child will cut off the teacher and say, "What? Oh, yes, I did do my homework!"
Like what? The teacher doesn't care what obstacles you had to brave! But no, she'd love to hear which drawbacks you triumphed, instead. Ok, class, right here. Give it up! How about that. Class hero. And the oscar for the nose farthest up the teacher's a** is... Look at this! No surprise here, Bill. Danny had this with out a doubt!
Now lets take a closer look to analyze.  The School Excuse is extremely unnoticeable. 
The first element is the innocent beginning. They always start off acting surprised. Children believe that they look innocent if they act as if they are caught off guard. Danny, here, started his off with an 'Oh.' But like, wtf? Of course you knew what the teacher was going to ask you! I mean, the teacher asked the kid two seats to your left for his homework before. And right after that she asked the kid one to your left the same thing. Fat chance the teacher is going to ask you about your homework, too, right?
Obviously, the kid then sacrifices his sleep (!) to finish his homework at such a late hour! Danny really did overcome the odds and he came out on top. Way to go Danny.

So uh Mom, there's nothing else you've kept secret about my childhood?

I think there is basically one away to present this to you. I apologize in advance if it is too straightforward.

About a month or so i realized that my left nipple (my left, your right) was beginning to enlarge. My sister was certain that i was, in fact, growing breast buds. The doctor was informing me that yes, i should be pushing high D's by the end of the month. Finally, (Can i say this? Does this saying work the other way around?) to add injury to insult my nipples started to hurt. So when i get into something that could be too physical... I need to stop and announce to the audience that this is threatening the wellness of my breasts and i cannot, in good consciousness, carry on with this activity if my breasts' safety are in question. Yes, I said breasts. Yes i did. Now both my breasts are swollen. They are very tender. It sounds like hot lunch at a cafeteria! "Would anybody like breast tenders?" 31 hands go up. "Human breast tenders, not chicken." Most of the hands drop. "Human, male breast tenders." The remaining 8 hands attempt to seamlessly transition into scratching their head, and then slowly drop to their side. Questioningly, the lunch lady tries again,
"They're real?"