So uh Mom, there's nothing else you've kept secret about my childhood?

I think there is basically one away to present this to you. I apologize in advance if it is too straightforward.

About a month or so i realized that my left nipple (my left, your right) was beginning to enlarge. My sister was certain that i was, in fact, growing breast buds. The doctor was informing me that yes, i should be pushing high D's by the end of the month. Finally, (Can i say this? Does this saying work the other way around?) to add injury to insult my nipples started to hurt. So when i get into something that could be too physical... I need to stop and announce to the audience that this is threatening the wellness of my breasts and i cannot, in good consciousness, carry on with this activity if my breasts' safety are in question. Yes, I said breasts. Yes i did. Now both my breasts are swollen. They are very tender. It sounds like hot lunch at a cafeteria! "Would anybody like breast tenders?" 31 hands go up. "Human breast tenders, not chicken." Most of the hands drop. "Human, male breast tenders." The remaining 8 hands attempt to seamlessly transition into scratching their head, and then slowly drop to their side. Questioningly, the lunch lady tries again,
"They're real?"